This is Magic Max. I hate Magic Max. I hate Max with all of my body and all of my soul. I see him every night behaving  like a massive anus; just look at him pretending to have super powers. I should hate his wife too but I bet she’s just given up on him. I bet she simply doesn’t have the strength anymore, the poor love. I mean, imagine going to a dinner party or to the cinema with this idiot. It must be hell. And that neatly trimmed beard. Seriously. And the shirt tucked into his trousers. Jesus.

I’m not a violent man but I’d hit him if I ever met him. I swear to the non existant man in the sky that I’d beat him about the head with a big stick and his wife and son would cheer me on and the people of Germany would want a live stream and probably do some kind of public viewing.

That’s right, there would be a massive public viewing in Berlin with millions of people watching me beat the living bloody daylight out of Magic Bloody Max. I’d beat him and his wife would scream “you’re not so bloody magic now are you?” and the millions watching in Berlin would go crazy and then Katniss Everdeen would turn up and start shooting Max with arrows and Jigsaw would do something nasty to Max with, well, a Jigsaw. And just when Max thinks it can’t get any worse Patrick Bateman turns up and starts singing “It’s hip to be square”. The crowd are going crazy in Berlin, RTL are covering this now too (they’re using the Inception sound track, obviously) and ProSieben have started a phone in quiz: Who is Marcus beating about the head with a big stick? a) Magic Max or b) a bag of socks (calls cost 49 cents a minute). There’s a shitstorm on Facebook, there’s a hashtag on Twitter and days later the Süddeutsche Zeitung cover it. I’ll be in the Gala by Easter.

I hate Magic Max.

This is an advert for insurance. Good evening.

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