As I mentioned in my predictions for 2014, “online personality management” will not be a trend in 2014 so I thought it would be a splendid idea to give you 10 top tips for managing your online personality management and not be part of a trending 2014 topic.

  1. Get some friends you tiresome individual. This will be your first step of your very long journey towards managing your online personality management. Stand up, move away from computer (and for heaven’s sake leave your mobile phone and Google glasses at home) and walk into the nearest bar or pub and try and make some friends. Real friends. You’ll soon notice that you can’t do this. You’ll soon notice that you can’t make friends because you have no personality at all (pro-tip!) and that you’ll want the world to stop spinning and for Satan to appear and burn your genitals to a cinder with his massive Satan Zippo lighter.
  2. Get to know Satan. Knowing Satan is crucial for working on your online personality management. Satan is a guy called Dave who used to live in Prenslauer Berg in Berlin. I’m not sure where he is now but if you close your eyes and say to yourself “please don’t send me text messages at two in the morning” ten times, he’ll appear wearing a hat and a pair of gold coloured speedos. Massive personality points are gained if you summon him whilst shopping in a discount Supermarket.
  3. Get a hobby and never ever talk about it online. Ever. (pro-tip). For the love of God, start knitting, cooking, learn an instrument or get interested in niche subjects like Morris Dancing. Have something to talk about with the new friends that you have met in the bar or pub (see tip 1). It will help you have something called “a conversation”, which you may have heard about but never quite fully understood.  Never, under any circumstances, talk about your hobby online. Ever (pro-tip!).
  4. Smoke cigarettes and drink at least one bottle of wine a day. I know this is painfully obvious, but smoking cigarettes and drinking large amounts of alcohol will not only help you make the paradigm shift from “online reputation management” to “online personality management” but it also gives you something to moan about. For example: “oh, I have a terrible hangover” or “oh, my left lung has just collapsed” or “oh, my liver has fallen off”.
  5. Choose what kind of personality you want to have. I know that there are agencies out there that will, for a small fee, sell you a personality but seriously people: step the fuck up and do it yourself.  I’ve gone for the grumpy, angry old man which seems to work for me but, you know, sort yourself out and just fucking choose one and stick to it. Continuity people! Continuity (pro-tip).
  6. Think before you post! If you think it might have a positive on your Klout score or be appreciated by your boss then stop right there. Be strong, make the paradigm shift; step away from reputation and take long strides in the direction of personality. Alternatively you could just punch yourself in the face or disembowel yourself with a butter knife, neither of which will help you manage your online personality management but the fact you have done one of them will fill me with an unimaginable sense of joy.
  7. Use a semi-colon every so often (pro-tip!).
  8. Instagram your tea (next level Instagram shit). The very corner stone of “online reputation management” was Instagraming your coffee. Fuck that. Let’s Instagram tea. Tea is boss. Tea is the refreshment for individuals with a personality.
  9. Don’t play golf. Ever. (massive pro tip). Actually don’t actively take part in any sports but golf is to be avoided because it isn’t even a sport. It’s walking around for a long time looking for a tiny ball that has been hit with a stick; “oh I hit the tiny ball 50 times with my metal sticks and it was awesome”. No it wasn’t, it was deeply tiresome. Sport can, however be watched. Watching cricket, I have been informed, is quite exceptional (because it involves at least one of point number 4). The people who informed me of this fact have huge personalities. Quid pro Quo etc.
  10. Ignore motivational texts and never ever post them because they are shit and really very annoying. Post motivational texts and watch the motivation level of your friends sink as low as your personality status. It’s depressing and nobody wants to see you go to that desperate place; that dark corner where Gerald Scarfe animations poke you with pointy fingers and your soul is sucked out of your ears by a cheap Chinese knock off of a Dyson vacuum cleaner whilst a Cold Play cover band sings a song by Cold Play and a breakfast television host informs you about which star has been sleeping with a prostitute and then segues into the weather section and you discover that it will rain heavily and eternally on your sorry existence. Is that really a place you want to be? No. So don’t bloody well post motivational texts and get a fucking personality.

Good evening.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *