Category: Food blogging

If On A Winter’s Night a Content Marketeer

Content Marketing

 

I mentioned yesterday that content marketing is a nonsense and I was thinking about writing a book about it. I started typing around the age of 18, I am now 42. That’s 24 years of typing and during this time I have started to write approximately 67.24 books. I have never finished any of them. Sometimes I would sit in a leather chair next to a warm open fire and consider what book I would like to write next. I would let my mind wonder to far off distant places; places full of strange characters, situations and twists and turns. Sometimes the sun would shine. Sometimes it would rain. Sometimes there would be love and other times their would be murder. Never finished a damn book. Ever.

I digress.

Content Marketing is a nonsense so I’m going to write a book about how you can use it to leverage any bullshit bingo term that your PowerPoint presentation may require. Obviously, that’s not going to happen so I’ve started with the cover.

Hit me with a Snapchat if you have any questions.

Good evening.

The ultimate “how to use Snapchat post,” that includes 10 top pro tips and a user case that might help you leverage your content marketing strategy

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Anyway

The title of this post is obviously misleading. Snapchat cannot be used for your content marketing strategy because: a) your content marketing strategy is shit and b) there is no such thing as content marketing. Content marketing is a lie. I should know because I made it up. I was thinking of writing a content marketing book for O’Reilly and insisting that they use a unicorn on the cover; a unicorn farting a beautiful rainbow.

There are also no pro tips in this post. Seriously, if you think you need pro tips for Snapchat then you may wish to consider hammering your head against a bed of nails until your brain oozes out of your ears. That is a very disturbing image to have conjured up, I’m sorry.

Anyway. Snapchat.

I like Snapchat. My Snapchat strategy is to have good mates who like to have a laugh. If you do not have great friends with humour you should probably stay away from Snapchat because you will inevitably realise that you are the sorriest, saddest and most disappointed individual on the face of this rather disappointing planet. If you do have great mates with lots of humour then Snapchat is EXACTLY where you need to be.

Stick that up your content marketing strategy and whistle “Like A Wrecking Ball” sweetly in my ear.

Good evening.

Things I’ve learned about Germany blogging.

German cows under a Bavarian (German) sky.
German cows under a Bavarian (German) sky.

I’ve noticed that many people who come to live in Germany tend to write a blog post about the things they have learned about this country and they normally do this after about a week or two of being here. Now, I’ve lived in this magnificent country for twenty years and have never blogged about such things, which is obviously a breach of my mandate as a) an expat and b) a blogger.

So here they are, the things I’ve learned about Germany since I’ve lived here (in no particular order and probably made up).

  1. Every child born in Germany is called Chantal until the parents come up with a name of their own. This tiny, but not unimportant fact is only something you learn when you actually become a parent in Germany. Most of the people who come here only really get to see the night life of Berlin and occasionally the desk at their start-up. By the time their genitals are ready for a serious relationship their start-up has stopped starting-up and they’ve probably moved back home and so have no knowledge of the Chantal rule. Parents of boys really need to aware of this.
  2. You get tax breaks for being mates with Satan (who is a bloke called Dave). As you may or may not know, Germany has the most complicated tax system in the world. 70% of all worldwide tax literature is about the German tax system. A little known fact is that you get tax breaks here if you are mates with Satan. You have to pay additional taxes if you go to church, though. Funny old world.
  3. Frankfurt am Main is the most dangerous city in the universe. I bet you thought Chicago, Ciudad Juarez, Kabul or Nottingham are the most dangerous; well you’d be wrong. It’s Frankfurt am Main, which according to German statistics really is the most dangerous city ever. I used to live in Frankfurt and it really is a terrifying place to be. The waiters can be very stern, the bankers a tiny bit rude and the traffic is an Orwellian nightmare when there’s a trade fair on. Avoid the underground at all costs because you are likely to be confronted with people willing to stand up and offer you their seat. The most dangerous thing about Frankfurt, however, only appears during the Christmas period: The Christmas tree on Römer Platz. Donated by Norwegians, the Christmas tree is really rather upsetting.
  4. Germany has more cooking shows per capita than any other country in the world.
  5. You can pixelate your house in Germany. This is a new trend here and it’s slowly catching on. You can apply to have your house pixelated at the ministry of data protection in order to protect the identity of your house. All you have to do is supply the ministry with your address, credit card details, mobile telephone number and they’ll do the rest for you.
  6. All roads lead straight ahead. If you’re ever lost in Germany don’t panic just ask someone in which direction you need to be going. After years of doing this you’ll soon notice that, however often you do this and regardless of how lost you are, you’ll find a friendly local who will tell you that the place you are looking for is “straight ahead”. Not left, not right but straight ahead. Always.
  7. Bavaria is part of the Federal Republic of Germany. Contrary to popular belief, Bavaria is actually part of the Federal Republic of Germany. I once heard a child ask her Grandmother is she was enjoying Germany, to which the Grandmother replied, “I have no idea, I’ve only ever been to Bavaria”. Most Bavarians find the fact that they are part of the Federal Republic quite confusing too. Munich just confuses the hell out of everyone, which is why I love it and will die here.
  8. Germans don’t understand the concept of cricket but they do understand golf which is just plain silly. 
  9. Radio stations are dreadful in Germany. There are, of course, exceptions to this rule but on the whole the radio here is appalling and one does have the feeling that you’re stuck in a time machine and you’re being forced to listen to BBC Radio 2 circa 1983.
  10. Germans have an excellent sense of humour. Techno, for example is very funny, as is the tax system, party politics (the F.D.P. for example is hilarious) and a show called “Wetten Dass ?” which is so unbelievably poor that viewers of the show have been known to disembowel themselves.

A very happy Monday to you all.

Fashion Blogging.

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I am wearing socks. They have dots on them. Sometimes I wear socks with stripes on them. They are socks made by Boden and they’re really nice socks; they come in a box and I really like them. My socks are a tiny bit concerned about German politics and the coalition contract. They’ve been moaning about it all bloody day. The sock on my left foot thinks that the party on the left didn’t get enough and the sock on my right foot thinks that the party on the left got too much. My pants  (colourful boxer shorts from H&M) couldn’t give a toss about it at all. That’s a desk beer.

Good evening.

Prediction Blogging

Oh, hi, there. I realised earlier today that we are whizzing our way towards the prediction season, alternatively known as the  “my prediction is bigger than your prediction” season. My predictions are, quite obviously, massive so I’ve decided to get in there quick before all those tiny predictions start to roll in and muddy the water.

Prediction 1.
2014 will be the year of the predictions. We will predict our way through 2014 as if every single day was December. Sad but true.

Prediction 2.
Things will finally die. For the last couple of years we have been predicting that things will die. We said that advertising would die and that books and newspapers would die. We said Facebook would die and that Google would die. We said MySpace would die and we even said that the annoying next-door neighbour with his annoying hipster gramophone would die. None of them, however, ever did us the curtesy of exodus. That’s going to change next year. They are all going to die (promise). All of them. Except, of course for the annoying hipster next-door neighbour and his bloody gramophone.

Prediction 3.
Robbie Williams will release another album with the word “swing” in the title.

Prediction 4.
Everyone will realise that: “online reputation management” is being sold by people who confuse having an “online reputation” with having a personality.

Prediction 5.
“Online personality management” won’t be a trend in 2014

Prediction 6.
People will stop buying things because of confusing customer journeys. Transactional search? Informational search? For heaven’s sake I just want to buy something… oder eben nicht. Etc. This will of course lead to a complete financial meltdown, that won’t be very nice and we all need to buy seeds and learn how to grow vegetables, which will lead to a download peak in gardening apps. Until, that is, all of the electricity runs out.

Prediction 7.
Someone will base their Social Media model on Dante’s Inferno. The further your go down the circles of Social Media Hell the closer you get to Sascha Lobo.

Prediction 8.
Sascha will shave off his red Mohawk and grew his hair into two pretty little red horns, which will cost him an extra 2 minutes 27 seconds in the bathroom every morning. Which he will Snapchat.

Prediction 9.
2014 will be the year of the mobile. AGAIN. Really though, it will. Promise. Mind you, there’s always 2015.

Prediction 10.
Huffington Post Germany will stop messing about and finally ask me to write for them, an offer that I will obviously decline because I am a MASSIVE DIVA.

Good evening.